Worst fear…

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I wasnt going to weigh myself this morning because I really didnt want to see the number. But I did and I almost cried. I never thought I would see 400 again. I was 400 exactly today. I have to use these emotions to drive me back on track. I’m not going to use this as an excuse to eat. I think I’m going to start the thought for food daily blog also. Thoughts that I have throughout the day of me wanting to cheat and changing it into why I shouldn’t.

Today was good. I made good choices. When I had the strong urge to cheat I ended up just taking a nap for a little bit. I dont get to do that often since I usually have my 5 month old daughter during the day but my husband was off today. I went to church and had a good time. My real challenge throughout the day starts at like 5 when my daughter starts getting fussy because she getting tired and its almost bedtime. I end up getting super frustrated with her. Especially now that I’ve stopped taking my depression medicine. It makes every emotion 10 times worse than it actually is.

I get my wisdom teeth pulled out on Thursday. I’m nervous about it because I’ve never even had so much as a cavity. Im worried about the pain but it will be a good thing for my diet considering I’ll be eating soup and jello for a few days! I’m going to be a nervous wreck on Thursday!

Food for the day.

Breakfast I had parmesan cheese whisps crackers. 2g carbs.

For a late lunch I had Turkey slices, cheese, 3 jalapeno dogs, with ranch. 19g carbs.

For dinner I had bunless burgers with cheese. 0g carbs.

For dessert I had 2 sugar free jello cups. 0g carbs.

My daily goal is 20g total carbs. Today I only had 21g! Definitely on the right track even though I was 1g carb over. I feel good. I just need to keep it up.

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Not starting over anymore.

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I am in this mindset that I can just start over this diet tomorrow but honestly tomorrow never comes. I had a huge slap in the face today. I went clothes shopping with my mom. The size that I had been wearing no longer fit. I’m back to the same size I was before losing the 115lbs. I could have sat in that dressing room and cried. I cant believe I let myself get like this again. Tomorrow I for sure need to start getting healthy again. I feel like I look disgusting in the mirror. I hate what o see staring back at me. I dont want to feel like this anymore. Tomorrow I am starting over I guess. Next week will be tough but I will do my best. I am having 3 wisdom teeth removed and 4 cavities filled so i will be eating liquids for a few days until I feel better. I am going to try my hardest to get where I need to be. As of right now I have no choice. It’s either get back on track or get right back to where I started! I definitely do not want that.

Emotional eating is a big thing for me. I have to find ways to try and cope with everything going on. I’m still struggling with postpartum depression and now anxiety. I have been having at least 2 anxiety attacks a day for the past few weeks. The medication I am on for depression is causing me to have heart palpitations and causing my anxiety to be worse. Without the medication I’m on right now I cry every time my daughter cries and when I cant get her to stop I get extremely irritated. Theres no way o can keep using food to cope with these emotions. That’s how I get to be over 400lbs in the first place. Tomorrow I continue on with trying to become a healthier person emotionally and physically.