Worst fear…

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I wasnt going to weigh myself this morning because I really didnt want to see the number. But I did and I almost cried. I never thought I would see 400 again. I was 400 exactly today. I have to use these emotions to drive me back on track. I’m not going to use this as an excuse to eat. I think I’m going to start the thought for food daily blog also. Thoughts that I have throughout the day of me wanting to cheat and changing it into why I shouldn’t.

Today was good. I made good choices. When I had the strong urge to cheat I ended up just taking a nap for a little bit. I dont get to do that often since I usually have my 5 month old daughter during the day but my husband was off today. I went to church and had a good time. My real challenge throughout the day starts at like 5 when my daughter starts getting fussy because she getting tired and its almost bedtime. I end up getting super frustrated with her. Especially now that I’ve stopped taking my depression medicine. It makes every emotion 10 times worse than it actually is.

I get my wisdom teeth pulled out on Thursday. I’m nervous about it because I’ve never even had so much as a cavity. Im worried about the pain but it will be a good thing for my diet considering I’ll be eating soup and jello for a few days! I’m going to be a nervous wreck on Thursday!

Food for the day.

Breakfast I had parmesan cheese whisps crackers. 2g carbs.

For a late lunch I had Turkey slices, cheese, 3 jalapeno dogs, with ranch. 19g carbs.

For dinner I had bunless burgers with cheese. 0g carbs.

For dessert I had 2 sugar free jello cups. 0g carbs.

My daily goal is 20g total carbs. Today I only had 21g! Definitely on the right track even though I was 1g carb over. I feel good. I just need to keep it up.

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Not starting over anymore.

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I am in this mindset that I can just start over this diet tomorrow but honestly tomorrow never comes. I had a huge slap in the face today. I went clothes shopping with my mom. The size that I had been wearing no longer fit. I’m back to the same size I was before losing the 115lbs. I could have sat in that dressing room and cried. I cant believe I let myself get like this again. Tomorrow I for sure need to start getting healthy again. I feel like I look disgusting in the mirror. I hate what o see staring back at me. I dont want to feel like this anymore. Tomorrow I am starting over I guess. Next week will be tough but I will do my best. I am having 3 wisdom teeth removed and 4 cavities filled so i will be eating liquids for a few days until I feel better. I am going to try my hardest to get where I need to be. As of right now I have no choice. It’s either get back on track or get right back to where I started! I definitely do not want that.

Emotional eating is a big thing for me. I have to find ways to try and cope with everything going on. I’m still struggling with postpartum depression and now anxiety. I have been having at least 2 anxiety attacks a day for the past few weeks. The medication I am on for depression is causing me to have heart palpitations and causing my anxiety to be worse. Without the medication I’m on right now I cry every time my daughter cries and when I cant get her to stop I get extremely irritated. Theres no way o can keep using food to cope with these emotions. That’s how I get to be over 400lbs in the first place. Tomorrow I continue on with trying to become a healthier person emotionally and physically.

Thought for food

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I’m still struggling with my the right food choices. Eating right and losing weight is really just a mental game. You can work out all you want but if you dont make the right food choices then it wont matter. You can put work a bad diet. My thoughts, that inner voice where you weigh the consequences of something before you do it, have been struggling lately. I need to get over this mind game and get back on track. I think if I start writing down my thoughts and come up with solutions about them it will help me make the right choices. So starting tomorrow im going to make 2 blog posts a day. One about how my day went and daily carb count and another with my thoughts and solutions to them. It’s going to be titled thought for food. Instead of food for thought. I thought it was clever! Tomorrow I have to find motivation to stay on track. I’m going to really have to think through my urges to cheat and make the right choices.

Handling stress and making better choices.

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Today was the day where I had to tell myself I have to make better choices. I’ve started going to church with my parents. It’s definitely been helping me cope with a lot lately. I’ve always been religious but hardly ever went to church. I really like it! The church I go to has a little store like Starbucks. You can get coffee, frappes, and food. I have been getting a cookies and cream frappe for the past couple sundays. Today I had to make a decision. It was a long night last night. My daughter has a stuffy nose so she didn’t sleep very well. All I wanted was something sweet and with coffee in it. I didnt go for my usual today. I settled for some berry flavored propel which was pretty good. I’m not a huge fan of flavored water unless it’s like the little packets that you put in yourself but I’m glad I tried something different today. I’m proud of myself because I could have easily gotten what I wanted. Making good choice is the hardest part of any diet or lifestyle.

I was going to start going to the gym tomorrow. I have a gym membership with planet fitness. I havent used it since before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I really do like going to the gym when I’m feeling okay. I usually get on the elliptical for 30 minutes to an hour then do some weights. But I dont want to add too much all at once. I dont want to get so stressed out that I cant focus on the important things. So for now I’m just going to focus on eating right and once I feel comfortable enough and have gotten back in my routine then I will add going to the gym. For now taking care of the baby, keeping the house up, and focusing on what I am eating is enough. I already have a tough enough time just focusing on my eating right now but it’s a start.

Lately i have been emotionally eating. I’ve been stressed, depressed, and sleep deprived. Instead of finding another way to deal with all that emotion I just ate good food and a lot of it. Throughout my whole life food has been how I dealt with my problems which is why I was 300lbs as a freshman in high school. Once i started eating low carb I dealt with my emotions pretty well and stay on track most of the time with great success. Now that I have added stress with the baby i need to figure out how to handle all of it again in a healthy way. Since I found out I was pregnant I’ve gained 65lbs back of the 100 I lost before. I dont feel great about myself. I made bad choices during my pregnancy and I let being pregnant be an excuse to eat junk. I am definitely paying for it now. One thing that really helped me is keep my stress down before was journaling every day before bed. I’m going to start doing that again tonight. Maybe if I let it all out then it will help me stay on track with my eating.

As far as food for the day. I did go over my 20g carbs but it’s definitely a lot better than I have been eating lately.

I skipped breakfast.

For lunch I had a couple hot links with cheese and ranch. 16g carbs.

For dinner I had garlic herb chicken with a little bit of salsa. 12g carbs.

For a snack I had 2 string cheese sticks. 4g cabrs.

So total carb count for the day was 32g carbs. I’m over by 12g carbs but not bad for my first day back! Tomorrow I’m going to stay within my carb count!

I tried to drink a lot more water today. I know if I dont drink enough I will get intense leg cramps at night. At one point in time I was drinking up to 100oz of water a day. Today I was able to drink 90oz which isn’t bad. Hopefully its enough to avoid leg cramps!

Being a new mom and dieting.

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So my daughter is now 4 months old. I love being a mom and watching her grow. I have also been dealing with post partum depression which I dealt with by eating my feelings. I have gained 70 of the 100lbs I lost back. I’m not proud of it. Now that I’m finally on the right medicine to help me deal with my depression and I’m feeling a lot better I can finally focus on my physical health. I’m not happy where I am at I could easily get back to where I was. My clothes are already getting tighter and my body changing back. So I really need to get back to the low carb lifestyle.

I’m now on summer break so I will have a lot more time to focus on what I’m eating and be able to go to the gym and exercise more. It will be a little more difficult with making plans for the baby but I have to figure it out. Today it kind of hit me that Emma will grow up seeing the choices I make. I grew up constantly eating junk food and cheap fast food so I guess that’s my comfort zone. I dont want Emma to grow up eating only junk food. I dont want her to grow up being overweight like I did. I was made fun of so much as a kid and sadly as an adult I still get made fun of by other adults. I hate it so much. I already dont like where my body is at but people laughing and make fun of me just makes me feel worse. I have to do this for myself, my daughter and my husband. We need to be a healthier family. I will post a picture of my beautiful daughter below!

Since I am on summer break I figure my first goal would be to lose 30lbs before the end of Summer Vacation. I dont know the exact date because we dont have next school years calendar yet but it will anywhere between August 17th-24th. That gives me at least 77 days. I’m going to try my hardest to meet this goal! I honestly have no idea what my exact weight it. I’ve been avoiding the scale so tomorrow I will face it and know it’s a starting point and I will get back to where I was!

I will be doing daily blogging again with how my day was, what I eat, my carb count, and how much water I drink. It keeps me more accountable if I post it here. I’ve made it through 100lbs before and I can do it again.

Day 30- a month in

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Well I’m a month in and I’ve made no progress. I’ve been trying but dealing with a new born, feeling depressed, and being home constantly has been s struggle. I need to make goals and use this time that I am home to get some exercise. All I can do right now is walk but I can go walk to track with Emma in her stroller. I need to set goals that’s what got me through the first 100lbs was short and long term goals. I will have them set tomorrow and post them here. I keep saying I need to get back on track but after seeing my weight this morning I really need to. I know it will be easier once I go back to work since I won’t be home to snack constantly. I have 3 weeks of maternity leave left so I will just have to do my best until then.

I did get back on track today. I fasted until almost 2 today. I think I’m at least going to fast until noon everyday. I feel pretty good. I did want to snack a lot today but I decided to get up and clean instead. I got my office cleaned up a little bit and did some laundry. I didn’t get as much done as I wanted because my daughter didn’t want to sleep very much today. So I just got done what I could.

Food for the day:

I skipped breakfast.

For lunch I had 2 Turkey hotdogs, broccoli, and a string cheese. 19g carbs.

For dinner I had steak with hot sauce. 0g carbs.

For a snack I had a Jimmy Dean scramble. 2g carbs.

Total carbs for the day 21g. Only over my goal by 1g. Not bad for today.

Day 26

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I feel pretty good today. I feel really bad that I cheated the past 2 days but I can’t change that. I can only move forward. I read an article online yesterday about a man that was only 2 years older than me and pretty close to my weight having a heart attack and passing away. It was really a slap in the face that I need to get on track and stay there. I am not at a healthy weight. Yes I lost 100lbs but I still have a long way to go before I get to where I need to be.

Eating was kind of a struggle today. My daughter was crying constantly today. She would not go to sleep at all so she was overly tired. I just wanted to stress eat because i was stressed. I also had to go pick up fast food for my husband because he is sick and didn’t want what I cooked for dinner. I was tempted to get something but I didn’t.

Food for the day:

For breakfast I had a Jimmy Dean scramble. 2g carbs.

For lunch I had ham and cheese roll ups with jalapenos. 6g carbs.

For dinner I had chicken and broccoli. 12g carbs.

Total carbs for the day 20g. Right at my goal for the day.

I know i didn’t drink enough water today. Tomorrow I will drink more.